Safety and Recovery from Domestic Violence: It Is Not OK, and It Is Not Your Fault
A self-paced program for people living with abuse: recognising that what is happening is not okay and not your fault, keeping yourself and your loved ones safe, understanding narcissistic and controlling behaviour, and finding your way to help and recovery. Four interactive modules with knowledge checks and a registered certificate of completion.
For people experiencing domestic or family violence, and for friends and family who want to help them safely
It Is Not OK: Recognising Abuse
Abuse is more than bruises
Domestic violence includes any pattern of behaviour used to control, frighten, isolate or hurt you. Physical violence is only one form. Being called worthless, having your money controlled, your phone checked, your friends and family pushed away, being threatened, blamed for everything, or punished with silence — these are abuse too. A useful test: do you change what you say, wear, spend or do because you are afraid of their reaction? If home makes you feel small, watched or frightened, something is wrong — even if you have never been hit.
It is not your fault
People who use abuse are skilled at handing you the blame: "You made me do it", "If you were not so difficult", "No one else would put up with you". Hear this clearly — nothing you say, wear, spend, cook or forget causes another adult to abuse you. Abuse is a choice made by the person who uses it. Many victims spend years trying to be "better" to stop the abuse. It does not work, because your behaviour was never the cause.
Why leaving is not simple
"Why don't you just leave?" misunderstands abuse. People stay because of fear (separation is statistically the most dangerous time), because money and housing are controlled, because of children, visas, shame, love, and because years of put-downs erode the confidence to go. Staying does not mean the abuse is acceptable or that you are weak. It means the trap is real. Recognising the trap — without judging yourself for being in it — is the first step out.
Keeping Yourself and Your Loved Ones Safe
A safety plan while you are still there
Whether or not you are ready to leave, a safety plan reduces risk now. Know which rooms to avoid in an incident (kitchens and bathrooms have hard surfaces and weapons; choose a room with an exit). Keep your phone charged and with you. Agree a code word with a trusted friend or neighbour that means "call the police". Teach children their only job in a dangerous moment is to get to a safe room or neighbour and call 000 — never to step in. Practise calmly, like a fire drill.
Preparing to leave safely
Separation is the highest-risk period, so leaving needs planning, ideally with a specialist service like 1800RESPECT. Quietly gather copies of important documents (ID, Medicare, bank details, birth certificates, visa papers), spare keys, medications and some cash, and keep them with someone you trust. Open an account the other person cannot see if you can. Clear your browser history or use private browsing. Do not announce you are leaving — people who use violence escalate when they sense they are losing control.
Protection orders and staying safe after
In NSW, an Apprehended Domestic Violence Order (ADVO) is a court order that makes it a criminal offence for the person to assault, threaten, stalk or harass you — police can apply for one on your behalf, and it can include children. After separation, vary your routines, secure your home and phone (turn off location sharing, check for tracking apps, change passwords), and tell your children's school who is and is not allowed to collect them. Report every breach of an order — each report builds the record that keeps you safer.
Dealing with Narcissistic and Controlling Behaviour
The pattern behind the charm
Many abusive relationships follow a recognisable arc. It often begins with intense charm and attention — "love bombing" — that feels like a fairytale. Over time, admiration turns to criticism, your needs become "selfish", and their image matters more than your reality. To the outside world they may be charming and generous, which leaves you doubting yourself: "Everyone thinks they're wonderful — maybe it is me." That gap between the public charm and the private cruelty is itself part of the pattern.
Gaslighting and self-doubt
Gaslighting is the steady rewriting of your reality: "That never happened", "You're too sensitive", "You're imagining things", "You're the abusive one". Over years it teaches you to distrust your own memory and judgment — which makes you easier to control. Antidotes: keep a private record of incidents (somewhere they cannot find it), tell one trusted person the unedited truth, and hold onto this rule — if you consistently feel confused, anxious and at fault around one person, the problem is rarely you.
What works — and what does not
You cannot argue, explain or love a highly controlling person into fairness; they treat empathy and explanation as tools to use against you. What protects you is limiting what they can reach: keep conversations short and factual — some call it "grey rock" — do not defend yourself against provocation, put agreements in writing, and never share information they can weaponise. If you must stay in contact because of children, communicate in writing only, stick to facts about the children, and let a lawyer or court handle disputes rather than being drawn into personal battles.
Getting Help and Rebuilding Your Life
You do not have to do this alone
Help exists at every stage — whether you are staying, planning, leaving or rebuilding. 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) offers 24/7 confidential counselling and safety planning. Police can act on violence and apply for protection orders. Your GP can connect you with counselling under a Mental Health Care Plan, including psychologists and accredited mental health social workers. Local women's health centres, men's support services, community legal centres and Link2Home (housing) all exist for exactly this. Asking for help is not weakness or disloyalty — it is the turning point.
Telling your story and being believed
Many people test the waters with a small disclosure — and if it is met with doubt ("But he seems so lovely") they go silent for years. Choose your first listener carefully: a specialist service, a counsellor or a friend who has shown they can listen without judging. You do not owe anyone the whole story at once, and you do not need "proof" to deserve support. If someone confides in you: believe them, tell them it is not their fault, do not pressure them to leave on your timetable, and help them connect with a specialist service.
Recovery is real
Abuse ends, and its effects can heal. Expect waves — grief for the relationship you hoped you had, fear that spikes at anniversaries and court dates, moments of missing the person, and guilt about that. All of it is normal. Counselling helps you untangle what happened, rebuild the confidence that was chipped away, and learn to trust your own judgment again. Many survivors say the goal is not going back to who they were before, but becoming someone new: a person who knows what is not okay, and never hands over their reality again.
This course is an educational program. It is not a substitute for counselling, safety planning with a specialist service, or legal advice. If you are in immediate danger, call 000. For 24/7 confidential support and safety planning, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732. If it is not safe to keep evidence of this course on your device, use a private browser window or a device your partner cannot access.