Choosing Change: Taking Responsibility for Violence at Home
A self-paced program about recognising abusive behaviour, taking full responsibility for it, understanding its impact on partners and children, and building respectful, non-violent ways of relating. Four interactive modules with knowledge checks and a registered certificate of completion.
For people who have used violence or abuse towards a partner or family member and want to change
Recognising Abusive Behaviour
Violence is more than physical
Family violence includes any behaviour used to control, dominate, frighten or hurt a partner or family member. That includes physical violence — but also yelling and intimidation, put-downs and humiliation, controlling money, monitoring phones and movements, threats, silent treatment used as punishment, and damaging property. If your behaviour makes the people at home feel afraid or small, it is abuse — even if you never touch anyone.
The cycle many families live in
Abusive behaviour often follows a pattern: tension builds, there is an explosion or incident, then apology, promises and a calm period — until tension builds again. The calm periods can make it feel like things are fixed. They are not. Without deliberate change, the cycle repeats and usually escalates. Recognising your own pattern is the first honest step.
Naming your behaviours
Change starts with an honest inventory. People who complete programs like this successfully are the ones who can name exactly what they have done — "I punched the wall next to her", "I checked his messages every day", "I called her worthless in front of the kids" — without softening the words. Vague language like "we fight a lot" keeps the truth at a distance.
Taking Full Responsibility
No excuses, no minimising, no blaming
"She pushed my buttons." "I was drunk." "I just snapped." "It was only once." Every one of these hands responsibility to someone or something else. Alcohol, stress, childhood, and provocation may be part of your story — but they do not cause violence. Many people are stressed, drink, or grew up around violence and do not abuse the people they love. Violence is a choice, and it is always the responsibility of the person who uses it.
Minimising keeps you stuck
Watch for the words "just", "only" and "but" in how you describe your behaviour: "I only grabbed her arm", "I just raised my voice, but she was screaming too". Each one shrinks what happened and blocks change. Full responsibility sounds like: "I grabbed her arm. It frightened her. Nothing she did caused that — I chose it, and I am the one who has to change."
Apology is not change
Apologies, flowers and promises are part of the cycle, not the solution. Real accountability is behaviour over time: accepting consequences without protest, respecting the other person's boundaries even when you disagree with them, seeking help, and doing the slow work of change whether or not anyone gives you credit for it.
The Impact on Partners and Children
What partners experience
Living with abuse means living on alert — reading your mood the moment you walk in, rehearsing words before speaking, giving up friends, family and interests to avoid conflict. Over time this produces anxiety, depression, and a loss of self that can take years to rebuild. The harm continues even in the calm periods, because the fear never fully leaves.
Children are always affected
Children do not need to be in the room to be harmed. They hear through walls, read the silence at breakfast, and feel the tension in the house. Growing up around family violence changes children: sleep problems, trouble at school, anxiety, aggression, and a template for relationships they may carry into adulthood. "I would never hurt the kids" misses the point — witnessing violence against a parent is harm.
Why they may not "just get over it"
When the abusive behaviour stops, the effects do not stop with it. Trust rebuilds on the timetable of the person who was hurt — not the person who caused the hurt. Part of taking responsibility is accepting that people you have hurt may stay wary, set firm boundaries, or choose distance, and that pressuring them to move on faster is itself a form of control.
Building Respectful, Non-Violent Ways of Relating
Know your early warning signs
Violence rarely comes from nowhere. Learn your body's signals — heat in the face, clenched jaw or fists, raised voice, pacing, the story in your head that the other person is "doing this deliberately". These are your cue to act early: name it ("I'm getting worked up"), and take a genuine time-out — leave the situation, move your body, and come back only when you are calm enough to talk respectfully.
A time-out is not storming off
A respectful time-out is agreed in advance, announced calmly ("I need 30 minutes, then I'll come back and we'll finish talking"), does not involve slamming doors or driving dangerously, and always includes coming back to the conversation. Walking out to punish someone with silence is control, not de-escalation.
Respect is a daily practice
Non-violence is the floor, not the goal. The goal is a relationship where the other person feels safe to disagree with you. That means listening without interrupting, accepting "no", sharing decisions about money and children as equals, speaking about your partner respectfully in front of others and the kids, and getting ongoing support — a men's behaviour change program, counselling, or both. Reach out to the Men's Referral Service (1300 766 491) to find a program near you.
This course is an educational program. It is not a substitute for a court-mandated Men's Behaviour Change Program, counselling, or legal advice. If you are in immediate danger or worried you may hurt someone, call 000. For confidential support with violent behaviour, call the Men's Referral Service on 1300 766 491 (24/7). If you are experiencing violence, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732.